


You Ever Get That Feeling?

by jarediscronchtastic



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Angst, Depression, I dunno it's late, Internal Monologue, Suicidal Themes, im sorry, mental health, vent - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-11
Updated: 2019-01-11
Packaged: 2019-10-08 04:37:49
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,013
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17379701
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jarediscronchtastic/pseuds/jarediscronchtastic
Summary: One of Evan's internal monologues after the main storyline.Warnings: Suicidal/Depressing thoughts.





	You Ever Get That Feeling?

You ever get that feeling that maybe everything will be alright? That the world will improve, that, that things might just get better if you try?

Hell, I used to think that way, I did. Mom always told me it would. Get better, that is. That teenage years are always shit, but you push through it, you make it in the end.

Yeah, well, what the hell did she know?

Okay, no, I'm being unfair. Mom had her own struggles. Like my dad. I wonder if I remind her of my dad.

Like, does she look at me and think: “Yeah, that's my son, the one whose first name is technically Mark, the name of his father, the father who cheated on me with some girl half his age.”?

Am I a reminder of the day she found out, the day the two yelled into the deep hours of the night? The night I hid under my bed, praying to a god I didn't believe in that it would all be over soon. I caught snippets, foul words I didn't know the meanings of, but was able to understand that they were bad, that if I ever spoke of them again, I was sure to be punished.

No, I suppose maybe I'm not. Mom insists I'm the best thing that's ever happened to her, she ‘loves me more than anything.’ I want to believe that, I should believe that. Dr. Sherman wants me to believe that, too.

But I don't.

Anyway, maybe things will be okay, there will be an improvement.

I mean, at this rate, things really cannot get much worse.

Does someone like me even deserve things to get better?

Someone who lied to the world, someone whose legacy is that they were the friend of the boy who committed suicide.

The boy who was brave enough to do what I couldn't finish.

He was the boy who died, and I’m the boy who lied. It's poetic.

And pathetic.

I wonder if I told the world that I lied, would it makes things better, or worse? Maybe it would relieve me of my guilt, it might take away some more of the blame placed on Cynthia and Larry Murphy, but isn't that just plain selfish?

It would give me more attention.

Do I want that?

I've always been the one on the outside, wanting to be a part of something. And then I was. But was I happy? No. Am I happy to go back to being the outsider? No.

Fuck, I don't know what I want. Help, or no help, attention or none, to be, or not to be.

Maybe if I just stick it out a bit longer, things will get better.

Or will I stick around long enough to find out?

Why am I like this? Why am I so… so messed up? Indecisive, not even knowing if I'm happy or not anymore.

Not even knowing if I want to live anymore.

You'd think the past year would be a lesson; I should keep living, people get hurt when someone dies, even if you don't think they will.

But people also get hurt if you stick around.

I mean, let me put it this way: if I succeeded last summer, would Connor still be alive? Maybe he would, if he never saw that fucking letter. Because no letter would have ever existed. Because I would've ceased to exist.

No.

He was unhappy anyway. And Mom would be unhappy.

Or what if I never existed in the first place? Would people be happier then?

If all I ever wanted to do was help people, is this another way to help?

Mom said I'm the best thing in her life. Without me, would she be happy?

Maybe Jared would be happier, not having the dead weight neighbor ‘family friend’, the one he to hold the hand of on the first day of kindergarten because he had a panic attack when his mom had to drop him off.

I get the feeling, quite often, that my existence is utterly meaningless.

I mean, I don't think I'm a bad person, per se, nor was Connor. I was never violent, broke any laws, I always tried to be polite.

But I'm also a liar.

I wonder if my self-hatred is so obvious that I make myself into a villain? For people to hate me, too?

So I won't feel as guilty if I go through with it.

At least, Dr. Sherman thinks so.  He thinks I'm trying to 'validate myself by forcing my self-hatred onto others', or whatever that means.

He's probably right.

I'm the type who deserves to be forgotten.

If only I could just go back in time and fix all that I had done, all that I had broken. The relationships ruined, the friends lost. Losing a whole other family.

Back to where I started, square one.

Except this time, it's hundreds of times worse. Because I remember that pain. I think of that pain nearly every day. The guilt I feel, how I regret saying even just one extra lie, letting it go that far.

Maybe I should stop trying.

Every time I try, I make it worse, right?

So maybe instead of holding on, trying, hoping to make things right…

Maybe I should just let go.

You ever get that feeling that you want to let go?

Because I do. I have that feeling right now.

And honestly?

It's the best feeling, the best idea I've had in a long, long time.

Maybe letting go of everything, of the past, of my family, my friends, the branch, it would all be alright. What if I just let go of my life, the hand I grip onto every day to keep myself above the water? Maybe I should just let my fingers slip from that mysterious grasp of the scraps of possible futures.

If I did that, I might make everything alright after all.

If I let go, everything would be better.

 

 

  
_So why am clinging to that hand?_

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry.
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
> -Jared


End file.
